Random Rants and Rambles

Damn, damn, damn!!!

Fri, 17 Oct 2008 19:14:51 GMT

The charger for my lap top has crapped out on me again. I'm so aggravated because it hasn't even been a year since I got the new one! Freakin' Gateway.. that's what I get for letting them talk me into one of their pieces or garbage they pedal as computers.
So, once again I am having to use my sisters dinosaur of a PC. I wish she would buy a new one so that when mine breaks I at least have a decent back-up, ha.

I am so excited for Halloweeeeen! But the closer it gets, the sadder I get because I know it'll be over and then I have to wait a whole 'nother year for it again. Fuck it, I am just going to celbrate all year long! It'll be a countdown to Halloween celebration, haha.
Next weekend I am going to ZOMBICON!!!!! I can't wait! It'll be my first year going, but apparently it's a street festival they hold downtown every year. There is live music, roller durby girls, a make-up tent where you can get all zombied out, and these rad people who play with fire. I can't freakin wait! I'll try to take tons of photos, but knowing my camera phone they will be shitty. I'm trying to talk my mom into going with me and getting her face painted up to look like a zombie, haha. My mom's pretty rad, so I bet she'll do it. And I am hoping my love, Ashley and her fiance will accompany me as well! Ashley is the most kick-ass person ever. I feel sorry for people who don't know her.

In other news, I am thinking about cutting my hair even shorter, in kind of a shag-like 'do. I found a pic of
on-line and I loved her hair, and I have been so frustrated with mine lately that I just thought, "why not?" I never do anything with it, just wear it pulled back in a pony tail, so I might as well chop it off. I wish it was long enough to donate to Locks Of Love, but it isn't.

Well, that's all from me for now. Later folks.

Mid-BP Update.

Fri, 03 Oct 2008 00:42:16 GMT

Isn't it sad when your life can be summed up in three words? Especially when those three words are, "binge," "purge" and "repeat."
I seriously do nothing constructive with my time. I should be looking for a job, but I don't. My friends have been calling, I don't pick up the phone, I just sit and watch it ring while I binge or listen to it going off from the bathroom while I purge. Sad. Really fucking sad.
And whats worse is I am fully aware this is going on and have no intentions of changing. I just don't want to. I am probably the most pathetic person on the planet.
But at least I'm not depressed. A hermit, yes - but depressed, no. I feel fine. I just don't feel motivated enough to do anything but scarf-n-barf. *shrug*

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow for my headaches. They have been beyond horrible lately and I just can't friggin take it anymore. I want some real relief from this. And if my doc tried to talk about my depression and shit and not focus on the issue at hand - these migraines - then I am outtie. I'm not wasting time with that quack if he isn't going to help me.

So, I'm binging right now (SURPRISE!) and can I just say I could never do one of those documentaries or shows that some other bulimics do. I would never allow anyone to film me while I bp'ed because not only do I feel like an utter fat ass, I must look like a slob. It's just shoveling in as much food as I can, as fast as I can. I swear, lol, it's like I think it's going some where! I can't help it though, I just get in this zone when I binge and it's like, I dunno, I go on total autopilot. I completely lose control. It's really disgusting.
But the high after a purge is fucking amazing. If thats what drugs feel like no wonder people would sell their kids for that shit!

Mmk, well I just thought I would do a little update while I waited for a movie to upload. Or download. Whatever.
I am having an all out zombie movie marathon tonight! I started with "Shaun of the Dead" and now I am onto the "Resident Evil" trilogy - I'm waiting for the second one to finish loading now. HOORAY!

Wish you were here, Mellie!!!

I'm a baaaad girl...

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 21:37:32 GMT

I love Matthew - I really, really do. He is incredibly attractive, makes me laugh like no other, I feel so comfortable with him and I could totally see myself spending a very long time - possibly the rest of my life? - with him.

But Holy God my massage therapist turns me on!
He is super adorable, and we always flirt with each other so much.. while I am laying topless on his table and he is rubbing me down with oils....

Is it getting hot in here???

Ah hahaaha!
I am such a horrible person, but damn! It's not just me though - he flirts, too! And sometimes he'll touch me a certain way and it's like he is teasing me, haha, oh, Lord.
It's harmless flirting, I mean, he is married with two kids, for goodness sake. It's probably a good thing he is, otherwise we might be in trouble! Ah haha! I kid, I kid.

Dude...

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:41:52 GMT

What the fuck is "Twilight" and why is everyone going ape shit about it lately??

Anywhooo, hiiiiii!
Just doing a quick little update.

I dyed my hair, it's black now. I mostly just wanted to cover up the red I had put in it before because I was afraid it would keep me from getting hired at certain places. Plus, it was fading and just looking bad. I thought black would be a good idea, but now I am not so sure, I think I just have to get used to it.

Speaking of getting a job, I might have one soon! My dad is always telling me that I should work for the post office because they have such great benefits and blah, blah.. but I saw an add in the paper saying they were hiring and the average pay os $20/hr! I was like, "fuck yea!" so I called today and got the ball rolling cause I have to take an exam before I can even interview. I really hope I get it cause I could use that kind of money. I could go back to school!

Mmk, that's all.
Byyyeeee.

Things I've Learned From Bulimia

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 19:59:26 GMT

Attempting to bp on chinese food is not a very good idea because you feel full when you really haven't eaten that much, so when you go to purge you dry heave and cough until you think you are going to lose a lung.

But it taste so damn good! (not the second time, of course.)

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 01:16:17 GMT

I can't belive I am sitting here watching the new 90210 and binging. Seriously? Is this what my life has come to?

hahahahahaha.

Wed, 03 Sep 2008 20:46:43 GMT

Dude, this fucking house hold is so stressful. I have been back home for, what? Three days? And I already wish I were gone again. I just can't handle all this shit.. I can't even explain it. I am tired of hearing about all the money problems, how much my mom can't stand my dad, how much better my sister is than I am - I fucking get it, people, just shut the fuck up already.

I hope Matt asks me to move up there with him. I am so sick and tired of this god damn place.

Tue, 02 Sep 2008 19:42:46 GMT

I think it's about time I update this thing!

So, let's see - Sunday I got back from visiting Matthew in Maryland. It was a lot of fun, I was there for about eight days and saw a lot of cool stuff and went out drinking and dancing and all kinds of fun stuff.
We went to the Baltimore Zoo and that was a lot of fun - I loved it! I took TONS of pictures that I will post soon, probably only on MySpace though so if you want to check them out you'll have to do so there. By far, my favorite thing at the zoo was the polar bears! I have never seen them before so I was wigging out over them. I loved them!! And, of course, the MONKIES!!! There were a shit load of chimps, three that were under three years old and they were adorable. They were playing constantly and it was just so fun to watch them.
We also went to visit Matt's Aunt Karen and her hubby, Nate, who live in Virginia, but it's super close to DC, so we all went there and went to the Smithsonian. But that place is so huge we really didn't get to see a lot. We saw a Muppets exhibit which was so cool, and we also went to the Holocaust Museum, very interesting, as well as the Air and Space Museum, which was boring as hell cause I hate space, haha, but some of the huge planes hanging up were cool to see.
My last night a bunch of us got all dolled up, and went to DC, to a place called TomTom and had a blasty-blast. I should be getting some pics of that night, too, so yayy!
I had a shit-ton of fun, but it sure is good to be home!

While I was there I couldn't puke, obviously, and I ate soooo much not to mention all the calories I drank, so I knew when I came home and weighed it wasn't going to be good but some how I managed to only gain about 5 pounds. Before I left I had gotten down to 140 and now I am 145, but I am not too worried about it. Today I have been able to bp twice and I'll probably purge super, too.
It feels really good to be able to control that shit again!

Alright, that's it for now. I got some chores to do.

Tue, 15 Jul 2008 23:17:08 GMT

I am fucking livid with my sister right now.

Every day after supper I get in the shower to purge. I don't know if everyone knows thats what I am doing or not, but c'mon people, it's pretty obvious. Anyhow, I get up from the supper table tonight and Dara goes, "I'm gonna get in the shower." So I stop and I'm like, "What?" and she says, "I'm really tired, I want to get my shower while I can still stand."
Well, I want to take my shower and puke before I die from this pain in my god damn stomach. FUCK. I can't wait to get the fuck out of this house and live on my own so I don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Mellie, baby, when you get your apt. in LA, I am so coming to live with you, hahaha.

Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

Mon, 07 Jul 2008 00:54:46 GMT

DUDES SUCK.

Davin, you suck.
Matt, you suck.
Will, you suck.
Adam, you suck.
Ipp, you suck.
Any boy I ever had a crush on, you suck.
Any boy who ever frustrated me, you suck.
Random, gross guys who stare, you suck a lot.
If you are reading this now and you, in fact, have a penis, YOU suck, as well.

Why don't you all just go fuck yourselves?

Caution: TMI Ahead.

Wed, 21 May 2008 22:06:10 GMT

Shit. I had something to say, but by the time I logged into El Jay and clicked on, "Update Journal," I've forgotten what it was.
I'm soooo exhausted. I just got through purging for the third time today. I'm going to try to make that the last time, but it's early and there is still enough time in the day for one, maybe even two more bp sessions. Then again, as I type this now my eyelids are drooping, so maybe I'll just go to bed when I finish this here. Was gonna watch the American Idol finale tonight, but I can just Google that shit tomorrow. It's not like the winners mug wont be plastered every where, anyhow.
Go Cook, by the way.

So, I don't know what's wrong with my now, but I a leaking mucus from pretty much every orphus of my body that has mucus glands. Even my ears are leaking shit, I dunno if it's mucus, but it's nasty. I have an ear infection and the pain stretches all the way down the sides of my neck. Been this way for going on a week, but it's starting to feel better. I have to blow my nose constantly and it's always thick, yellow snot. Mmm. I guess it's a sinus deal. I dunno. But I want it gone.

I'm trying not to weigh myself every day like I used to, it's not good for my psyche. I haven't weighed since my freak out two days ago. It's super hard not to step on that scale every morning, but I just can't take it anymore, I know the number is never going to satisfy me, so why even know what it is?

ICANHASCHEEZBURGER.com brings immense joy to my life.

Hm, I still don't remember what I was originally intending to update about. Oh, well, this'll do.

Tra la la.

Mon, 12 May 2008 11:48:10 GMT

I didn't bp all weekend. Well, no that's not right - I b'ed, I just never made it to the p part. And that is the last time I want to do that for the rest of my frikkin life - my stomach hurt sooo bad from eating, but I just never ended up with the opportunity to purge with mom being home. I've been super paranoid about getting caught lately.
After the weekend, I don't even want to step near the scale for fear it will register all this weight I know I've gained just from me being near it - it can probably smell it in the air, like a grizzly bear can smell your fear. Or something like that. (Boy, I listen to too much Dane Cook..) The whole not weighing thing kind of makes me tweak out because it's part of my bp routine - weigh, eat, weigh, puke, weigh - but I can't let myself on that scale because I know the number will more than likely make me want to off myself. So I'll deal with the OCD tweak, thank-you-very-much.

There really isn't much else to write about - I'm just updating while I wait for my second HotPocket (TM) to finish cooking so I can scarf-and-barf. Oh, and I think I'm getting sick; I woke up yesterday with a tickle in my throat and now I am starting to develop a slight phlegm-y cough. Horray. Sore throats love tooth brushes jammed down them even more than regular throats.

EDIT:
I couldn't stand it, I had to weigh myself....
145

...fuck me rotten...

Sneer-Snarl..

Sat, 10 May 2008 22:48:52 GMT

God damn you, Reese's Puff cereal! Damn you and your chocolaty, peanut-buttery, goodness! Damn it all to hell!!

I'm 141 again. And I've been eating all day and haven't puked once.
Yayy for the big, fat, fatty, fat ass! Yayy!!!

*pouts*

Why bulimia sucks:

Sat, 03 May 2008 21:33:10 GMT

The more you puke, the more weight you lose, but the more weight you lose, the sicker you get, and the sicker you get, the more distorted your body perception becomes.
I am finally about to break into the 130's again, and I have never felt more frumpy, dumpy, fat and sloppy in my life. I am drained, completely drained - physically, mentally, emotionally, financially.

BUT!

If you hide it from people long enough, eventually, you start to believe it yourself. So, on that note, I'm doing great.

Question for the Day: How do people eat and not puke? Liek, srsly. It's the worst feeling in the world. I would rather be shot in the kneecap than feel that bloated, sickly, full sensation in my gut.
And, no, I'm not on my bulimia high-horse, I'm just sayin.

Guess what I'm doing.

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:03:45 GMT

If you said binging, you're right!
Will I be able to purge it? Who knows.

Fuck me rotten.

No bueno.

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 00:29:47 GMT

I woke up to a little surprise this morning. A great, big, honkin cold sore on my upper lip. Yippee.
Cold sure = no purging.

This is just really upsetting me. I can't afford to gain any more weight, yet I can't stop myself from eating. My body is in total bp mode, and when it's like this, I'm on auto pilot - I have no control over myself. I know I am going to continue eating this way and because I'm not able to purge it's going to be disastrous. I got prescription cream to put on my cold sore, plus I am taking Lysine, so I hope it goes away quick.

I found some really good workout videos on YouTube that I am gonna try doing daily. There is an ab workout that burns like whoa so I'm hoping to see results from that soon. Of course, I know I need to lose all this fat before I can really see any abs, but just building up the muscle will help burn fat. I also found some inner thigh exercises and I'm gonna look for some cardio stuff.

I feel so tired all the time lately, but I can't get to sleep unless I take a sleeping pill. It's kind of annoying.

Alright, well I'm done with my bellyachin' Guess I'll head over and see whats happening in The Purg.

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 18:55:36 GMT

I was supposed to engage in a massive bp today, however my mouth is in no shape for it. My throat is killing me, the roof of my mouth is swollen and tender and my wisdom teeth are cutting through and making my gums hurt like whoa. So I think all signs point toward a day off from puking. Of course, I still have to purge supper, but one wont hurt anything too much.

My toilet is pissing me off. I dunno wtf is up, but it isn't flushing properly and that's no bueno. I tried the plunger thinking there was a clog or back up or something, but it didn't do much. I might have to start dumping Charlie into a plastic baggie and then get rid of it all later, but i hate, hate, hate doing that cause it's risky and makes me all paranoid. I'm always afraid someone will walk in my room and smell puke even though I never do, I keep thinking I am, like, immune to the smell or something by now.
Speaking of paranoia, I have been tweaking out slightly about a few things recently:
1) We're having plumbers come the end of this week and even though they aren't messing with the toilets, they are just doing a re-pipe on both bathroom sinks, the kitchen sink and my shower, I am worried they are gonna find puke in the most unlikely places and be like, "Yep, there's your problem - puke backup." I know the chances of that are practically non existent, but I'm still kind of nervous.
2) For some reason I keep thinking, "What if someone throws Charlie out?" I have NO idea why this is an issue, but I keep imagining my sister cleaning the bathroom one day and just being like, "This is trash," and chucking him out. If I don't have Charlie I seriously don't know how I'll purge. I haven't dont it straight into the toilet in years and that just makes it easier to get caught cause it's louder, messier, and I just don't wanna do it. I like Charlie. And I can't think of anything else here around the house that I could use.
Ok, it's making me anxious just thinking about it..

K, I'm gonna go do some crunches and talk to my lovely Mellie <3

Back to my old ways again.

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 03:59:15 GMT

I just finished my third bp of the day. Oh... did I mention the "plan" Mellie and I started is off? Yea, well, it's off like a slutty high school cheerleaders spanky pants. Let's call it what it was people, a diet, and I will always fuck up a diet. I'm bulimic, it's what I do. So, yea, I am back to my old ways.
My purges today have been great, thank the bulimia gods. On the last one I got one of those honkin' globs of goo that's like a mixture of mucus, stomach bile and blood - mmm, mmm. It's always bitter-sweet to see those because it's like, "yayy, I'm empty," but of course that just means you are gonna be hungry again in ten minutes. Meh. At least I got all that shit out. And just for shits and giggles, here's what I had today:

3 corn dogs
pudding
**PURGED**
jelly beans
7 chicken strips
french fries
toast
**PURGED**
BBQ chips (soo nasty to puke)
coco crispies w/ banana
pudding
**PURGED**

And to top it all off, I did all that with everyone home today. The last time I purged in the shower and when I went to dump it - ok, back up, lemme explain how I purge cause it'll just make this story easier, plus, this is my god damn journal and I'll write about what I want!
Ok, so, a long time ago when I used to purge in the toilet and the water splashed me in the face and got in my eyes and, yea, it just wasn't pretty, I somehow came across this little container and thought, "hmm, jackpot" and have puked in him ever since - he's affectionately been named Charlie Bukkit. So anytime I purge, in the shower or not, I always use Charlie and Willy (my toothbrush - well, the one I use to purge with anyhow. I don't use it to brush my teeth - that ones name in Paul) and when I am done I just dump it in the toilet and ker-flush. Now, after all these years, I have developed the perfect timing of when to dump Charlie's contents mid-flush so that nothing gets left behind to float around and incriminate me. So after my last purge tonight I was about to dump it and I could just tell something was funky with the the way the toilet was flushing, so I couldn't dump it and I knew a second flush would draw too much attention, so now Charlie is sitting here in my room. Full. Haha, who says bulimia isn't glamorous??
Anyhow. I still weigh 145 which is unacceptable. Even after all my purges today it never went down, which sucks. But I've just started back to purging, so I'm sure in the next couple days I'll lose. I better anyhow, or I'm liable to have a freak out.

Alright, that's enough. I gotta go do my ab workout and suck on some cough drops cause my throat is on fire.

Peekchurrs.

Sat, 05 Apr 2008 06:26:03 GMT

Here are the pics from my visit to ARC the other day.
:)

I'll start with the Ekstrom House - these are all the cats that have Feline Leukemia. They are my favorites :)

This is Alvina. I just lover her little old lady face. She could sit in a lap for hours on end if you'd let her, lol.

Here is Cloud, who I call Panda because I think it's a much better not to mention more fitting name, stretched out taking a nap. He used to be very timid and always hid inder chairs and beds, so it's great to see him feeling more comfortable and happy.

"Trouble in a fur coat," that's what I like to call Miss Crystal Gail here. She is a pistol! She gets really excited when you pet her and sometimes just has to gnaw on your hand to show you how much she is enjoying it, lol. I'm not sure how old she is, but she acts like a kitten still!

Here we have Jauni (pronounced like yawn-y, but I hate that so I say it like Johnny :D she is the little grey and white one) Ringo (big orange fella) and Titiana (black, obviously) lounging on the couch. They look like they are saying, "What? Did you wanna sit here or something?" ha

Titiana & Ringo hogging the couch again, with Crystal scampering by on the side there - probably off to start some trouble, lol. Titiana gives some great cat-food-breath-kisses!

Elmo taking a little "cat nap."

Here is my darling girl, Hermosa, who recently passed. Isn't she just gorgeous?? She was a sweetheart, I'm going to miss her terribly.

And here is itty bitty Jauni Girl! She is so freakin cute you could just squeeze her til she popped! She always looks at you with her head cocked to the side, it's adorable, I tried to get a picture of it but she was much more interested in snoozing then posing.

And here are cats from some of the other houses at ARC.

This is Virginia. She's a very old lady and she's been at ARC a long time. She used to play foster mommy to any orphaned kittens we got it - she loves babies! But she had to retire a little while ago, not enough energy to bouncing baby kitties! She is still such a sweetheart, tho.
I just love this picture!!

Francisco AKA Monkey cause he acts like one!

And last but not least, Dunkle. He was one of my very first "friends" at ARC and every time I visit I have to stop it for some cuddles. He's such a lovely boy - I would adopt him in a second!

So, there are some of my lovelies! I'll try to get more pictures next visit.

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 21:50:25 GMT

Matt's grandma finally passed away.
I can't remember if I ever updated about the situation, but after she was taken to the hospital, she went up and down and they were trying to decide if it was best to just take her off life support. Eventually they decided to just take her home so she could be in her own bed and be comfortable. I knew it was only a matter of time because she wasn't able to eat and they didn't have her on a feeding tube, so she passed away yesterday early in the morning. Matt's home again for the funeral. The veiwing is Friday and the funeral is Saturday, I'm not sure which I'll go to, but I don't really want to go to both because I just hate those kind of things. But if he wants me there, of course I'll be there.

I also found out that another one of my kitties at ARC, Hermosa, passed, as well. I went for a visit yesterday and I got pictures of some of my favorites. I'll be posting those soon, hopefully.

In other news, I kind of started purging again. I dunno why, I just kind of wanted to. But now me and Mellie have decided we're going to start a new "plan" - we're not calling it a diet because that just puts too much pressure and we feel like we'll automatically fail. So the "plan" is major restriction - between 400 and 500 cals a day - and whatever we eat that goes over that we purge, and of course exercise whenever we can or want. I don't know how long we'll stay on this "plan" but I just want to see some results, I don't care how much weight I lose, I just want to see the number on ethe scale go down and I think Mellie feels the same.

K, well that's it for me.

(I'm not taking the time to spell check - sorry :P)

I should be cleaning my room but..

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 18:13:41 GMT

I'm taking a break from a little spring cleaning. Well... ok.. actually, I haven't even really started the spring cleaning, but I have been thinking about it a lot and planning where to start first and that is very exhausting!
Shut up, it is.

Anyways, I kind of have some interesting/exciting things to update about (for a change)

Number one:
I think I found the perfect job. There is a place called the Jungle Friends Primate Sanctuary that rehabilitates and houses monkeys that were either used in labs or kept as pets before being abandoned, and they are offering a internship at the moment! The only problem is they are in Gainesville and I'm just worried that might be too big of a first step. I mean, to go from never wanting to leave the house to practically moving out? Scary.
But even if it doesn't work out right now, at least I know they are there now. And I'm sure there will be other internships and positions available. It's just something exciting for me to work towards and motivate me to get out of this slump I'm in.

Ok, number two:
I think I might be getting into therapy soon. I had like a little break down last night when I was talking to my mom, and I basically told her I hate myself, I feel like I am an awful daughter/sister/friend/person and that I don't know how I got this screwed up but I am tired of it and I need help. I didn't tell her that I had been puking again, or that I cut or tried to off myself so many times, though - that stuff would have just broke her heart. She said we're gonna start looking into places right away. I feel like of relieved about that.

Alright. I guess I better get started on this room. I need to clean out my closet and take the clothes to Good Will.

.... who am I kidding? I'm gonna go watch TV, ha.

I'm a poor excuse for an LJ-er..

Fri, 28 Mar 2008 19:25:55 GMT

I haven't updated in weeks!

Also, I want to apologize for my entries always being so glum. It seems I only post when something happens to upset me or when things are going bad. I know that cant be fun to read (it sure isn't fun to live!) Lately, things have been really good, so I've decided to update about it!

Nothing spectacular has happened or anything, I've just been having some good days for whatever reason. I am back on my happy pills, so that might have something to do with it. I also have not been puking, which also might have something to do with being on my meds again. No cutting, suicidal thoughts or anything to report. Things have just been a-okay. Dunno why, but I'm not gonna complain!

I have been thinking about getting a job a lot. I want to work, but my anxiety in public can still get a bit out of hand so I'm not sure that I am ready. I think part-time is going to be the best avenue for me right now. The trouble is finding someone to hire me - jobs are slim-pickins lately and I am choosy about the jobs I will work.
I refuse to sit behind a desk answering phones and catering to rude people. I want a physical job, and I want to work with animals. I'm thinking about calling The Shell Factory and seeing if they need anyone to care for the animals they have there. That would be awesome, and I am really hoping they'll hire me. My second choice is to work at a local stable and there are plenty to chose from. There is one not too far away from my house called Special Equestrians and I would really love to work there because I'd be with horses, but also helping out people. And if none of those work out, my last resort is to apply at places like Tractor Supply, the Hayloft, MaryLou's, there is even an auto parts store I might check out. I'm just going to bombard people with applications until they give in and hire me, ha.

I also want to go back to school. I looked on-line at an environmental studies program at FGCU, and I might call to see if they can send me some more info on it. I also tried to see which schools around here offer zoology, or at least biological sciences with focus on zoology. I am really determined to make my life's work helping animals. I'm so passionate about it, it gives me such an amazing feeling to know I did something good for an animal - any animal! I just love them so much!!

Ok, so, that's my story. I think I am gonna play around with the layout of my LJ - I'm ready for a change - and then go watch some Animal Planet - that Orangutan Island is addicting!!
Hope those of you who do read enjoyed the change of attitude! lol

Nothin like a great, big slap in the face from God to put things in perspective.

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 10:01:39 GMT

Some of my avid readers (har, har) maybe have noticed that I deleted the last two entries. The reason why is because, well, they embarrassed me. Now, most of the time, I don't care because I write about whatever I am feeling at the moment because I need to get it off my chest and this is where I express myself and I have no intentions of censoring it. So even if I blow up because I am really mad about something at the moment and later it may not seem like a big deal, I don't delete whatever I wrote about it because that is how I truly felt. My last entries are no different - what I wrote was how I felt at that time, but since then things have happened that make me feel awful about writing them.

I'll recap what they were about, but I am not gonna go into detail because that's just plain pointless, and then I'll explain why I've had this change of heart.

In the first one, I complained about a friend not thanking me for something I did for them, even though I should have understood because the friend is going through something really terrible right now. I was really upset about it at the time, but since I pissed and moaned about it, it's been on my mind a lot and I feel so awful for ever thinking that way. She is really suffering, and I'm belly-achin' over a thank you. It's ridiculous and it would have mortified me for any one else to read it.
There was other stuff in that same entry and me and another friend exchanged words over, but that has nothing to do with why I deleted the entry. I just wanted it gone rather then editing it.

The most recent one, which I posted last night and I really don't know if anyone read or not, was basically more emo, suicidal ramblings. I'm not embarrassed about being suicidal, I don't give a shit what people think about that as long as they aren't trying to lock me up in a nut house. The reason I am embarrassed about that entry and deleted it, is because a few hours after I wrote it, I found out that my Grandma was in the hospital. She was found on the kitchen floor, unresponsive, so an ambulance was called and when they got her to the ER they did a scan I and found bleeding on her brain. They did surgery ASAP, but she is still unresponsive, basically in a coma.
She isn't my real grandma, it's actually Matt's grandmother, but since the first time I ever met her she has told me to call her Grandma and both his grandparents treat me just like all the other grandchildren and I really, really love them, especially Grandma. She used to call me when Matt first left for boot camp and we would talk for hours about nothing at all. When ever we went to their house, Matt and Grandpa would go do "men things" and me and Grandma would sit, and she would show my pictures from Guyana, and of Matt when he was little. And she would always make me eat, lol. "You got to eat, you don't want to get too skinny. I cooked, you better eat it!"
God, I miss her so much. I hope she comes out of this.. I finally have a Grandma again and I'm not ready to lose her.

Stephen King's Mysery

Sat, 01 Mar 2008 08:24:23 GMT

This movie always makes me have an anxiety attack! Seriously.. that lady is creepy.
What a kick freaky and fantastic movie. I bet the book is good, I'll have to check it out.

On a side note, my mom ended up coming home after she had been at work for about 30 minutes cause she had a really bad headache. So, needless to say, there was no way I could have bp-ed with her here, so I just went to sleep...... all day. *shrugs*
I just got done yakking, though, so alls well.

%@#*#^%@!

Fri, 29 Feb 2008 11:31:27 GMT

I am so fucking pissed right now.
Every day that I wake up CRAVING a fucking bp, someone decides to stay home.
FUCK people.
It's 6:30am right now, and I swer to God, if Dara and Dad don't get there asses out of here in the next couple of hours, I'm gonna have a fucking anxiety attack.

I don't even care if they do stay here, I need to fucking puke today.
Like, soon.